My love affair with music has been a strange one. Until the age of 13, I didn’t know that I could sing because that was when my music teacher in school tested my voice and said that I could sing. And my reaction was “Really? No one in my family sings.” “Well, you do”. And to say the least, this discovery changed my life. I was part of the school choir and I felt like I had a superpower. Since that day I sang whenever I wanted. Humming a song became a way of life. I would look forward to all the days when we had music lessons. It became an important part of my life, I felt special and so I decided to take it seriously and join a music class. Being a south Indian I had a natural inclination towards Carnatic music and I convinced my parents to take me to a Carnatic teacher. The first time I learnt the Sargam I was super thrilled. I believed that I had taken the first step into this vast magical world of music. What I didn’t know at that time was that it was going to be a long journey. Once I reached 10th standard my parents thought that I needed to concentrate more on my studies and leave music for a bit. I was quite enraged at the thought and was angry with them for a long time. Since at that age you can’t supersede your parent’s decision I quietly listened to them. Then somewhere I lost my urge to learn again though music was part of my life as I regularly attended concerts and had the chance to listen to some legendary singers.
Life moved on and I reached Bombay, got my first job and that is when I decided to get music back in my life again. But this time it was tough. I didn’t have regular timings at work, sometimes I would reach home very late at night but still would have to wake up early in the morning and go for my singing class. And somehow if I didn’t sleep enough my vocal cords just wouldn’t open up. But my teacher was very kind, she understood my dedication towards music and my passion for my work. She would ask if I had a late-night again, then make me a hot cup of ginger tea and ask me to try again. She was very encouraging, she gave me tips on how to practice because I couldn’t dedicate time for riyaz. She showed me the openness that music encapsulated. I followed her advice completely. I have even done my riyaz sitting in a rickshaw. But slowly as time progressed, work overpowered most of my waking hours and I couldn’t push myself to wake up early in the morning and go for the class, I chose that extra hour of sleep instead.
I was and still am a shy singer. Not many people know that I sing. And I like it that way. Music was never something that I wanted to turn into a profession, it was just something that gave me comfort and filled me with joy. And so, I always let it stay like that.
I had two more stints at trying to learn music after that. Both the time I met two wonderful teachers. I really feel that all my music teachers were a blessing in my life. They completely understood me and my shortcomings and still molded me in the best way. They have been the biggest source of encouragement because they believed in me and my ability more than I did.
I won’t call myself a great singer. I know that I am an average singer. But I also know that I can feel the notes, I know that music affects me deeply, somewhere it is a very important part of me.
Last week I again had this strong urge to return to music, to start learning again. A bandish that my last teacher had taught me kept playing in my head and I wanted to sing that again. That pushed me to reconnect with my teacher. I went all excited to her house but when I reached the entrance of her building the security guard informed me that she had passed away last year due to some illness. I was shocked and deeply saddened by the news. I walked back home trying to make sense of the news, but it didn’t. That night I couldn’t sleep, the songs she taught me kept playing in my head. In the morning when I got up, I dusted my harmonium and tried playing some notes. I tried singing that favourite bandish which she had taught me. I stumbled at first, but I kept at it. Then slowly it all started coming back to me. I was not perfect, but I could sing that song. It made me very happy. Maybe my teacher wanted me to get back to music, maybe that’s why this song came back to me after so many years. And maybe I will never forget a melody that is stuck in my heart. The love affair with music continues.
